Abandoned child
Starring out the window silence broken therapist asks what memories I have from growing up
Swiveling in my chair praying silently the burning in my throat the tears manifesting behind my bulging eyes will join memories long forgotten from years of denial fading deeply into unconsciousness.
Memories flood of baby sitters parading in to care but always leaving while ignoring my cries to stay, walking out in a trail of slimy platitudes telling me it would be ok and it never was.
Memories wash over me of staying after school, staying after church janitors and nuns who could not be bothered with knowing my name shuffling me from room to room.
Detention was a blessing a refuge sitting with kids like me, forgotten kids, scared kids, abused kids, unwanted kids all acting out for attention that momentarily stopped the feelings, that for the briefest time made things alright.
I leaned against the car in the therapist parking lot shaking from memories I didn’t want to feel, tears streaming down my face all from an empty place inside. From the car she got out and guided me into the passengers seat kissing my face while strapping me into the seat like a child.
Once home I laid on the couch with my head on her lap rhythmically convulsing in tears. Lighting a cigarette handing it to me as she’d brush back my hair with her fingers, I’d take a long drag momentarily coming into a pissy reality then fade back into hugging myself.
Over and over she repeated “you didn’t deserve to be abandoned” urging me on till I repeated it out loud while rocking in her arms. “I didn’t deserve to be abandoned… I didn’t deserve to be forgotten, I didn’t deserve to be left alone”.
She undressed me and put me to bed, clean fresh sheets, then she undressed crawling into bed to hold my still convulsing body, she lifted her breast offering it to me my mouth opened to receive it and all the comfort that came with it.
This was the first time she had allowed me to break down, to decompose, to not be the alpha dog, it would be the last time as well. 30 days later she would leave while I was at work. I’d never see her again but I never felt abandoned.
